Like sports it’s all a matter of teamwork

The other day I was watching a football game that got totally out of hand. The crowd booed the visitors mercilessly, the music blared through the loud speakers, and when a player broke free, the stadium erupted in excitement. I wondered what would happen if churches were like sports. Can you imagine people coming to the parking lot 3 hours before Sunday School to barbecue and dance? Can you imagine scalpers making money for the second row of the auditorium? Can you imagine church members working themselves up in frenzy when the service went into overtime?
Now I speak in extremes. But it would be really cool if we’d all get a little FANatical about our faith. I have a feeling that if we aren’t experiencing that today we will in eternity. I can’t imagine we’ll be totally somber and bored when Satan is cast into the pit. After all the hell he’s caused, I’d imagine there will be many of the redeemed, veterans of spiritual warfare who will be doing their own version of the end-zone dance.
Let me clarify that I don’t think church is not sport. But we are all counted as teammates. And for those new Christians who only went to sporting events on Sunday, here is a list of parallel sporting terms which might be helpful to interpret the church experience.
Pinch Hitter: When a visiting preacher steps up to the pulpit. Could be used when the preacher is on sabbatical, vacation, sick, or if it’s Gideon Sunday. Technical Foul: Usually thrown by the deacon for sending a motion to the floor without a committee recommendation. Also called when the water heater in the baptistery is broken.
An Alley-oop: When a singer sings an incredible song that relates to the sermon title and the preacher slams it home.
(And then the opposite) Alley-oops!: When a pastor preaches a sermon on adultery after the singer sings “Why Not Tonight”.
A blitz: When 20 people rush the associate pastor five minutes before the service, each with an announcement that must be made.
A nickel defense: When a congregation objects to a stewardship initiative. The shotgun formation: When the pastor steps a few feet away from the pulpit and waxes eloquent for 30 minutes or so to no one in particular,
Stealing home: When a member leaves during the invitation.
A Hail Mary Pass: The pastor goes long to attack Catholics.
The squeeze play: An overzealous greeter who breaks the fingers of the attendee with a firm handshake.
A Lateral: When a pastor receives and ministry request a delegates it to the youth minister.
A double play: A member walks the aisle to rededicate his life AND to Surrender to the ministry.
Goal Tending: What the WMU does during Lottie Moon.
A hard count: When a business meeting vote is so close the deacons have to pass out ballots.
Illegal Use of Hands: Charismatic worship practices at a First Baptist Church.
Illegal Hands to the face: Healing practices at First Baptist Church.
An empty backfield: The place where the youth shaving cream war is held annually.
A slam-dunk: What happens when the pastor loses his grip in the baptistery. Audible: What the pastor calls when the music is so powerful that he changes his sermon.
The Screen Pass: When a Pastor plans to use a clip from a Disney movie and then chickens out.
The ‘thrilla in minilla’: The folder containing a pastor’s exciting sermon outline. Double dribble: What happens when the Lord’s Supper juice glasses are cracked,
A Triple Double: When more than thirty members give and more than 20 of them tithe!
A slap shot: When a pastor lays a blow to the pulpit with an open hand in order to drive home a point or wake a deacon.
Coin Toss: A tradition in some churches held in the foyer by ushers to choose the one who do the offertory prayer.
Two minute warning: the cue a pastor gives an instrumentalist that he’s about to finish usually manifesting itself in a slowing of speech, a poem or the words, “finally church…”
The home stretch: exaggerated movements, yawns and knuckle-cracking intended to remind that pastor that it’s time to go.
The bullpen: An award given to pastors who exaggerate sermon illustrations. A Free Agent: Those visitors who come to your church because their church changed its worship style.
Of course when if the church maintains its relevance, overcomes her pride and weaknesses, and sees lives changed eternally the term is universal... It’s a win!